But there’s something I like to do and I think others should as well. It’s called: ‘Not giving a shit!’ Seriously, just not caring what everyone thinks of you because usually the people who disapprove are the ones who you really don’t care about anyway. I know it’s hard to do. You could start your day off by looking in the mirror and thinking, “Yeah, I look hot today. Anyone would be lucky to date me!” And then you walk into that high school and you see one girl that has a cuter outfit. Okay, that’s fine, you still look good, regardless. Then you see another one but she’s in really good shape and you think that she can wear her clothes with confidence because they don’t show any fat. So you put on a jacket to cover your stomach just in case. Then there’s a girl that’s not wearing any make-up and looks gorgeous. You’re wearing make-up and you’re still not as pretty as her so you put on your sunglasses. And all of a sudden you’re hiding in the corner of your class, covered up and hoping no one notices you for the rest of the day. You went from expecting people to stare and gawk at you to wanting to be invisible. Your opinion of yourself changed within a few minutes just because you cared about other people’s opinions of you.
Coming from a family that was composed of a beautiful, could-be model, older sister that was a mom at the age of 18 and mother that lost her virginity at the age of 13, my self-esteem was always below average. Not that I strive to make the choices my mother made. I really don’t, not the bad ones anyway. But when your mom is so used to associating with members of the opposite gender and expressing her sexuality, you get somewhat high expectations brought on you. Take my sister, for example. Ever since I can remember she was always the outgoing, pretty one. Being three years older than me, I’m bound to get jealous of her anyway. But she always dated guys throughout middle school and high school. She was the one people gawked at when we went to the pool or out of town. She even got offered a modeling career and turned it down. I never really took it to heart. I was still the shy one back then. But then my mom made a comment that was probably supposed to be nonchalant but it stuck with me for years. I can’t remember who she was talking to or how they even got on this subject. Just that I was probably about 13 or 14 years old. She said that I had always been known as the smart one while my sister was always the good looking one. What also makes me believe that she meant nothing by this is the fact that I look almost exactly like my mom. (This also pisses me off because since we look alike and she’s had many boyfriends and I haven’t, then it MUST be my personality that’s lacking.) But nevertheless, it stung and it stuck. What else can make a young teen girl feel bad about herself? Well, that year I tried to work really hard in school because if I couldn’t be the pretty one, I was gonna live up to my name… And then I started failing math. I had always been good in math, that is, until they mixed the alphabet into it. Now you’ve got a young teen girl who is only known for her brains and good grades who was failing a class. I felt like I didn’t have an identity. My mom really didn’t know how to help because she only really identified with my sister. They would be pretty much the same person if they were the same age. She was so used to one thing that, by the time I was a Freshman (who had never dated before), she started thinking I was ‘different’.