Death is an all around sorrowful subject but what do you do when someone you only “kinda” knew, dies? You know how to react when a loved one dies; it’s instant, a reflex. But when you just know someone from school or work it’s a completely different feeling. You may have had a conversation or two with them. You may have known little useless facts about them. You don’t think much about them. But once you hear of their passing you don’t want to believe it. “No, they’re not dead. I just had class with them. I had talked to them.” You almost feel this bittersweet guilt because you didn’t think about them much. You feel like you should have gotten to know them more. If you had been friends with them, how would your life had changed? Would they have died so soon? But overall you don’t really know how to feel. It’s not horribly sad because, of course, you weren’t close to them. But the sorrow is still there. And when they commit suicide it’s a different story. You didn’t know they were sad or depressed or felt like there was no way out. You search your brain to see if you remember if there were any signs but you can’t remember much. And this makes you more frustrated. If you had reached out just a little could you have saved them? If you had paid more attention could you have helped? Or were they past the point of help? You’ll never know now.
Rest in peace, Curtis.